1. The professor will never make eye contact with you
if you sit a tier below a student who wears
no underwear, and wide-legged shorts.
2. If the professor starts the semester by taking
Polaroid photos of individual students in
order to follow a name memorization technique
he learned at a recent educational conference,
you will be forever known as Bridget while
Bridget, who sits two rows ahead of you,
to the right, will be known as Sarah.
3. During office hours, when you arrive to talk about
an upcoming assignment, a professor may be wearing
a kilt and playing the bagpipes at full strength with
closed eyes and a claret-hued face as shiny as a beetle’s.
It is wise to leave the room at such times.