Nobody asked me what it took them to slice me open?
There is a scarf I hold unto
When the crucifixion starts
I let blood & water mix like wine
And when they ask me who tried to kill me
Or where the weapons are
I will show them your tongue
Tell them your closed mouth is the sheath
And your smile, another kind of crimson
Or don’t you remember?
The mockery on that November morning,
How my tight dress became a circus
As you danced around me in blasphemies
Saying there is no room for a belly as big as mine in a dress
as colourful as that
Sometimes shaming is as potent as a bullet
& one shot is all it takes
Do you know death has a fashion sense?
It is a garment of morphed wishes,
The one that wears itself on me when my lover says
We cannot make love with candles
Because my body is not shaped like an hourglass
Not all kinds of death lock you in a grave, some of it leaves you roaming in the world?
I don't know what it means to have a deathless body
Because every day, a part of me dies intestate
My mother is afraid another man will shoot me
for living in this body. I, too, am afraid to exist
So l launch a police report
I am writing my statement & the policeman says I should show him evidence of attempted murder,
I start to undress
& show him my love handles
I tell him this is where the conspiracy began
I tell him my extra skin is their ammunition
& my cellulite, their shotgun
But he does not believe
I tell him to file a restraining order against the world
Because I do not know to which extent this body will grow
But he does not understand
So I dress myself
And I say,
Look! Look! Look!
It all started from the size of my stomach
Now I am wanted everywhere
