I cupped her living weight. A three-inch bandita
bedded across my three callouses.
Gold leaf dust, empty soda can,
even a bearing ball was heavier.
Black-capped chickadee—warm, pulsing
in my palm, prettied with pollen.
Were you taking from the feeder? Were you vibrating
drunk on abundance before I startled you
to a collision course? Once I, too, crashed hard.
Scraped a cheek, bruised my thin wrist on a pole.
How my mother’s breath forgave and gusted
on my nicked knees. I was a smaller thing then,
all hollow bones and feathers in her thermals.
Before she died, I didn’t know what violence
could be. Fists of bruised mint. Father’s fists
through the wall. Mother’s hair falling out in fistfuls.
My fist with a living bird in hand no one
will ever see. Some sparrows in the underbrush sing
only for themselves. Every day I pined for your split-
second visitations to my hand-offered seed.
But not for anything longer. Don’t stay longer than this.
I’m not meant to hold you forever, my mother said,
setting me down in pollen dust. Unfledged feet
didn’t want to touch the ground.
Genevieve DeGuzman is the author of Karaoke at the End of the World (JackLeg Press). An Alice James Award finalist and Tin House alum, she appears in The Adroit, Lit Hub, Poetry Northwest, RHINO, Zócalo Public Square, and other journals. She has received the Oregon Literary Fellowship and StoryBoard Fellowship, as well as support from Vermont Studio Center, Poets & Writers, AWP, and Oregon Arts Commission. Born in the Philippines, she lives in Portland, OR.
photo by Carolyn Kehler
From September 14-25, in honor of her residency at The Betsy Hotel and our 10th anniversary season, SWWIM Every Day will be featuring a selection of poems curated by Sarah Audsley.
Sarah Audsley is the author of Landlock X (Texas Review Press, 2023). A Korean American adoptee, a graduate of the MFA Program for Writers at Warren Wilson College, and a member of The Starlings Collective, Audsley lives and works in northern Vermont. She serves as the Writing Program Director at Vermont Studio Center.
We hope you enjoy this special collaboration!